I was recently listening to Dr. Becky’s podcast Good Inside, where she mentioned a quote:
“Boundaries are nothing if not communicated.”
It immediately reminded me of the toddler moms I’ve been working with who are struggling to set appropriate boundaries at bedtime. I like to call these "Bedtime Rules" or "Sleep Manners."
You can listen to the episode here.
On nearly every call with toddler moms, I ask if they have rules or boundaries for bedtime, and 8 out of 10 times, the answer is no. The other 2 have boundaries but aren’t consistent with them. I love when the answer is no because that means we have so much work to do—and somewhere to start!
Let me emphasize: toddlers thrive on limits! They need us, the adults, to establish and follow rules, which makes them feel safe and protected. Toddlers want to know someone strong and confident is taking care of them; they don’t actually enjoy feeling like they can get away with things all the time. They need our support.
These boundaries or rules aren’t about making your toddler suffer! It's about creating a consistent bedtime routine so that everything flows smoothly, and everyone knows what to expect. Babies and toddlers love predictability!
Where Do I Start Setting Boundaries?
1. Create Rules that Work for Your Family Dynamics:
Talk with your partner and make sure you’re on the same page. Consider questions like:
What time should we start the bedtime routine?
How long will bath time be?
What is our bedtime routine?
Are we staying in the room until our child falls asleep?
How many books will we read?
Is a water bottle allowed by the bed?
Are we co-sleeping?
Having clear expectations helps you make better decisions at night when you're exhausted. Remember, you can be flexible within your boundaries, but it helps to have a starting point.
2. Communicate the Rules to Your Toddler:
While babies won’t care about boundaries like how long bath time is, toddlers absolutely will! A toddler might ask for "one more book" a thousand times. That’s where boundaries come in.
Communicate the rules in a fun way. You can use a "Sleep Manners Chart" (print one here) or write them down with pictures so your toddler understands.
3. Be Consistent:
Now that you and your toddler know the rules, be consistent.
I’ll never forget the time I told my daughter that after lights-out, I wouldn’t come into her room. We were using a Sleep Manners Chart to keep her motivated. One night, she called for me, and instead of just peeking in, I went in, gave her a kiss, and left. The next day, when she didn’t get her sticker, she said I was the one who didn’t follow the rule—and she was right! She didn’t leave her room; I broke the boundary.
This is why limits need to be clear and achievable for everyone in the household.
Examples of Bedtime Rules in Action:
Rule: We read 2 books every night before bed.
Real-life toddler: “Mom, can we read another book?”
Mom: “I would love to read that book tomorrow. Tonight, we’ve already read our two books, but we can leave this one on your nightstand to read in the morning.”
Will your toddler happily say, “Thanks, Mom, you’re the best”? Probably not! But if you read an extra book, they’ll ask for another, and another… Set realistic rules, especially if you’ve been reading more than 2 books. Don’t go from 5 books to 1 overnight—set expectations you can maintain.
Other Important Bedtime Rules for Toddlers:
- Stay in bed all night
- Stay quiet after lights out
- Read 2 books before lights out
- Use the potty before bed
You can add more, but the goal is to reinforce expected behavior and help your toddler understand what’s expected at night.
Remember, this is just a phase! I have a 7-year-old daughter now, and we can be flexible with her bedtime. We’ve built a healthy sleep foundation, so now, we can have sleepovers or I can stay a bit longer with her without disrupting her sleep.
Ready for more tips on establishing healthy sleep habits for your toddler? Sign up for my upcoming Toddler Sleep Workshop, where I’ll share more strategies to help you create peaceful bedtimes and better sleep routines. Sign up here!
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